Back in 2012 I wrote that the “real secret” to picking up women was to never chase them. I meant it, so I followed up with having Brent speak live at The 21 Convention 2014.
Brent Smith is the original source of these ideas, at least in the context of my life (and excluding the alumni speaker who pointed me in Brent’s direction).
More broadly, I’m not aware of Brent getting these ideas from anyone else, so they may indeed be entirely of his own creation – which would be pretty fucking amazing given the pitiful state of dating advice and the direction of western culture today.
That full length speech from the event is now online. You can watch the ad-supported edition here, or the ad-free edition here, or a lower-quality edition available on iTunes (the audio is solid but the video is heavily compressed to keep the file size small).
I wanted to point your direction to Brent’s speech not only because it is a new 21C talk in itself, but because the speech has special significance in my own life.
It’s simple. I’m fully confident Brent’s ideas about not chasing were crucial for successfully meeting and dating the woman who is now my wife. Chasing was a bad habit I picked up from the PUA scene. Brent had the cure, I embraced it, and the effects were instant, obvious, and massive.
Looking back, it was like throwing off a ball and chain from my dating life that weighed 100 pounds. While I didn’t understand this at the time, I now believe this dynamic is a fundamental axis point of male/female relationships, especially in the early stages of establishing an intimate relationship.
Finally, I have some additional thoughts that Brent inspired. I have no idea if he would agree with them or not, but here they are none the less, posted earlier on my Facebook account.
The #1 actionable mistake men make with women in dating is chasing before establishing a sexual relationship.
Despite the rationalizations men give for this and what most women say about it, it is a repelling decision.
When a man says “I love chasing women” (including women he hasn’t even met yet!), all I hear is a confession that he has never had and allowed an attractive woman to chase him.
When a woman says “I love when guys chase me”, all I hear is a confession that she has yet to have the opportunity and space to pursue a man worth chasing.
Hunting is a historically male activity. But “hunting” in dating before beginning an intimate relationship is not masculine. It is an act of following. And every follower has a leader.
Guess who the leader is when you chase?
If you want to lead women into your life, stop texting and calling them like a lost fucking puppy. Be a gentleman and give them the opportunity to chase you.
Which brings me back to the title of this post, and my basic point: chasing women is the opposite of leading women. To clarify the statement, a good leader also knows how and when to follow.
My statement then is not equal to the idea that universally, men chasing women is bad. It is strictly that chasing is opposed to leading. Chasing then is repelling behavior in a pre-sexual relationship, and leading is fundamentally attractive. There is very little room and context for it in a heterosexual relationship this young – if any at all.
Later in a relationship I think it is more than fine to “chase” a woman; when you are completely aware of the choice, understand the context in which it is being done, and the choice itself is purposeful and not mindless.
My thoughts are that it shows a depth of maturity, and provides her a level of psychological visibility, with a man she is deeply attracted to. I seriously doubt this is how any woman wants to be seen all the time by men she is attracted to and even in love with, but to experience it authentically for some period of time has immense value I think.
The value being in the range that this experience provides for her. The maturity for a man also being found in this range that is outside his normal comfort zone.