It’s Not About the Girl … It’s About YOU

I got a question via Facebook yesterday. The question format isn’t uncommon — essentially asking about how to get this “one” girl, what to do, how to talk to her, how to behave, etc, etc.

Dating coaches get this kind of stuff all of the time.

And while I am not a dating coach of any kind or sort, I’ll go right ahead and say that one of the most important ideas I have ever come across in my understanding of male/female relationships, is that it’s not about her, it’s about you.

So much so that it would be and is accurate to say — IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HER, and everything to do with you.

That’s right. It’s about what YOU think, what you feel, what you want, what you admire, what you value, what you JUDGE — in every regard imaginable.

And what I mean by “it” is your own happiness, and your own actualized success in the intimate/romantic arena of your life. The girl is always secondary, an effect — not the cause and the source of your success, and your own happiness.

This is why men of self-esteem and integrity — at least to the degree we are able to recognize and perceive it — are always able to bounce back after any sort of relationship ends, no matters its depth, length, or quality.

They have concretized this concept — they have attached it to physical reality. That their happiness is primarily self-driven, and their outward success with the opposite sex is always a direct, logical, natural consequence and result of what is going on inside them first.

The type of woman that a man attracts into his life is a product of his own deepest convictions — both in a long and short range scale.

And it has nothing to do with the girl.

It’s about you.

~~~

For all the young guys out there, including the guy who contacted me on Facebook, I would strongly encourage you to not lose sight of the forest for the trees, and think long range. In fact it is only by thinking long range that you will ever understand and develop yourself well enough and high enough to have some legitimate success in this area of your life.

Nothing else is even possible. At least, you better hope not, for your own sake.

— Anthony Dream Johnson

 

About Anthony Dream Johnson

CEO, founder, and architect of The 21 Convention, Anthony Dream Johnson is the leading force behind the world's first and only "panorama event for life on earth". He has been featured on WGN Chicago, and in the NY Times #1 best seller The Four Hour Work Week.    His stated purpose for the work he does is "the actualization of the ideal man", a purpose that has led him to found and host The 21 Convention across 3 continents and for 6 years in a row. Anthony blogs vigorously at TheDreamLounge.net and Declarationism.com.

9 Responses to It’s Not About the Girl … It’s About YOU

  1. Matt September 3, 2011 at 5:18 pm #

    “The girl is always secondary, an effect — not the cause and the source of your success, and your own happiness.”

    Perhaps the best quote about seduction I’ve seen in a while.

  2. sanjay (uk) September 4, 2011 at 10:44 am #

    Interesting, and deeply insightful as always APJ. Did you find that work such as ‘the psychology of romantic love’ helped you to actualise your ideals and your values on the romantic side better? (its on my antilibrary list)
    One of the issues that i have found in the past were the sort of women i attracted simply, how can i say ‘they didnt share the depth of thinking i did, or my philosophical approach to life, and i felt i had to dumb myself down around them, be a constant apologist etc. really not constructive way to have a relationship.

    • Anthony Dream Johnson September 4, 2011 at 1:50 pm #

      Yes. That book impacted my thoughts like few others have during my entire life. I recommend bumping it to the top of the list immediately.

      Per the second part of your question, you certainly can, but don’t HAVE to apologize for the way you think, the way you feel, the way you act, etc. I will remind you that contradictions don’t exist, and that if you are a male holding certain convictions, it is only natural that there is a reciprocal mirror for you out there. In fact I would bet there are quite a few of them — ie, there is, in reality, an abundant amount of relationship potential in the world waiting for you.

      Subsequently, is it rational to think that you will meet and start relationships with these women by compromising — even a little?

  3. Tom December 8, 2014 at 1:55 pm #

    I just re-read this for about the fifth time. First couple of times I was really doing what I call “mental masturbation” – looking for something to fill an emotional/intellectual void.

    This time around this post jumped out at me as I was fleshing out some ideas about my past relationships and the key factors that made them successful at their conception and (let’s say) less than successful at their conclusion. This one passage hits hard: ‘This is why men of self-esteem and integrity — at least to the degree we are able to recognize and perceive it — are always able to bounce back after any sort of relationship ends, no matters its depth, length, or quality.

    They have concretized this concept — they have attached it to physical reality. That their happiness is primarily self-driven, and their outward success with the opposite sex is always a direct, logical, natural consequence and result of what is going on inside them first.’

    I think you absolutely summarised this idea as succinctly as is possible – rather than looking to some exogeneous factor as the cause in positive social relationships, it is imperative to understand the relationship is simply the cart being pulled by the horse that is unrelenting pursuit of intrinsically-determined goals (whether explicitly stated or intuitively recognised).

    A belated thanks from a loyal student.

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