Chasing Women is the Opposite of Leading Women

Back in 2012 I wrote that the “real secret” to picking up women was to never chase them. I meant it, so I followed up with having Brent speak live at The 21 Convention 2014.

Brent Smith is the original source of these ideas, at least in the context of my life (and excluding the alumni speaker who pointed me in Brent’s direction).

More broadly, I’m not aware of Brent getting these ideas from anyone else, so they may indeed be entirely of his own creation – which would be pretty fucking amazing given the pitiful state of dating advice and the direction of western culture today.

That full length speech from the event is now online. You can watch the ad-supported edition here, or the ad-free edition here, or a lower-quality edition available on iTunes (the audio is solid but the video is heavily compressed to keep the file size small).

I wanted to point your direction to Brent’s speech not only because it is a new 21C talk in itself, but because the speech has special significance in my own life.

It’s simple. I’m fully confident Brent’s ideas about not chasing were crucial for successfully meeting and dating the woman who is now my wife. Chasing was a bad habit I picked up from the PUA scene. Brent had the cure, I embraced it, and the effects were instant, obvious, and massive.

Looking back, it was like throwing off a ball and chain from my dating life that weighed 100 pounds. While I didn’t understand this at the time, I now believe this dynamic is a fundamental axis point of male/female relationships, especially in the early stages of establishing an intimate relationship.

Finally, I have some additional thoughts that Brent inspired. I have no idea if he would agree with them or not, but here they are none the less, posted earlier on my Facebook account.

The #1 actionable mistake men make with women in dating is chasing before establishing a sexual relationship.

Despite the rationalizations men give for this and what most women say about it, it is a repelling decision.

When a man says “I love chasing women” (including women he hasn’t even met yet!), all I hear is a confession that he has never had and allowed an attractive woman to chase him.

When a woman says “I love when guys chase me”, all I hear is a confession that she has yet to have the opportunity and space to pursue a man worth chasing.

Hunting is a historically male activity. But “hunting” in dating before beginning an intimate relationship is not masculine. It is an act of following. And every follower has a leader.

Guess who the leader is when you chase?

If you want to lead women into your life, stop texting and calling them like a lost fucking puppy. Be a gentleman and give them the opportunity to chase you.

Which brings me back to the title of this post, and my basic point: chasing women is the opposite of leading women. To clarify the statement, a good leader also knows how and when to follow.

My statement then is not equal to the idea that universally, men chasing women is bad. It is strictly that chasing is opposed to leading. Chasing then is repelling behavior in a pre-sexual relationship, and leading is fundamentally attractive. There is very little room and context for it in a heterosexual relationship this young – if any at all.

Later in a relationship I think it is more than fine to “chase” a woman; when you are completely aware of the choice, understand the context in which it is being done, and the choice itself is purposeful and not mindless.

My thoughts are that it shows a depth of maturity, and provides her a level of psychological visibility, with a man she is deeply attracted to. I seriously doubt this is how any woman wants to be seen all the time by men she is attracted to and even in love with, but to experience it authentically for some period of time has immense value I think.

The value being in the range that this experience provides for her. The maturity for a man also being found in this range that is outside his normal comfort zone.

About Anthony Dream Johnson

CEO, founder, and architect of The 21 Convention, Anthony Dream Johnson is the leading force behind the world's first and only "panorama event for life on earth". He has been featured on WGN Chicago, and in the NY Times #1 best seller The Four Hour Work Week.    His stated purpose for the work he does is "the actualization of the ideal man", a purpose that has led him to found and host The 21 Convention across 3 continents and for 6 years in a row. Anthony blogs vigorously at and


10 Responses to Chasing Women is the Opposite of Leading Women

  1. James13ond August 26, 2015 at 3:21 pm #

    I agree !! From my experience it takes a hell of a guy to stay cool and allow a woman drape herself all over and pursue you . It just feels right in my experience . If she wants to leave I won’t cry or be upset if she wants to stay I’ll embrace her and allow her to chase me .

    • Andrew October 17, 2016 at 1:03 pm #

      I’m guessing you are in your 20s

  2. James13ond August 26, 2015 at 3:34 pm #

    That’s how I got my beautiful girlfriend who I have been seeing for three months . So far she is simply amazing . We fucked on the second date in my car it was so hot . I allow her to lead quite a bit now it’s fun . I change from leading to following in different scenarios. I screened her like Socrates said too for the traits I’m looking for. Still years later I come back and find videos on 21 convention that help me immensely in whatever situation I find myself in . This time it being serious relationships . I guess I’m saying thanks brother for doing all that you do . You’ve changed my life many times for the better in a confused fucked up world . It’s not always easy navigating . 😊😊😊❤ cheers

  3. Dr. Sky Blossoms September 25, 2015 at 7:53 pm #

    A confident woman will not chase a man. And, you’re right, she doesn’t respect a “lost puppy’s” pursuit either, which is amusing and annoying at the same time. She trusts and respects a man who owns himself and can take a lead. It becomes an invitation for her to step into the environment he’s creating, but this doesn’t mean that she’s chasing him…. It’s a delicate dance. I’d mark the word “chase” as inapplicable to successful relationships. Pursuit is different than “chase.” As a woman, I want a man to pursue me, but I don’t want to be chased…. ever.

    • Anthony Dream Johnson September 29, 2015 at 4:40 pm #

      To the contrary, I think only a confident woman could chase a man in the current philosophic and cultural environment, that is hostile to gender roles, differences between the sexes, rationality, and romantic love.

      I think you are confused on the issue. Your last sentence in particular seems contradictory, even in light of your attempted differentiation between chasing and pursuing.

      – ADJ

  4. Tom Roberts September 28, 2015 at 9:05 am #

    In this clip ADJ (since Branden is someone you admire) somewhere in the end Dr. Branden discusses what his many women clients complain about: the idea of the ~man~ becoming too much of a lifeguard and basically, although not named, killing attraction. ( Because, that’s what happens.

    Now this is problem that isn’t quite easy to grasp. For one, the social acculturation arising after the sexual revolution and multiple iterations of Feminism, have necessarily conditioned men to accept the default position of the Feminine primacy. Rather than facilitate the dynamics of a balanced relationship, it distorts the complementary differences that visibility requires.

    In short, the mental point of origin (MPOV) is what needs to be reclaimed. Rather than beat a meme to death in the sphere, the idea that the man is the prize instead of a women jives with the idea of a do not chase policy.

    The social acculturation of the feminine imperative (again, cultural default) is damaging to inter gender relationships, because men don’t know that they are killing attraction and visibility when they think they are helping attraction. (Just get me).

    It cuts both ways…

    In so much as Branden wrote extensively on the subject of Male\Female Romantic Love, I think he was speaking from a POV that optimized the psychological conditions necessary for Romantic Love. To be sure, the requirements for Romantic Love are steep in terms of psychological resources and individuation (which is the strength that binds).

    The equalitarian equalist dynamics that have been in effect and amplified in recent decades arising from the more transactional (marry for love, instead of economics, unit of labor) is still I think, driving a very big wedge between our basic biological differences. We gotta high failure rate in romance and if equated it to new cars rolling off the factory floor that had that many failures, they’d be out of business in a New York minute. 50/50 + gamble if you define longevity as success.

  5. Wayland Six October 10, 2015 at 10:14 pm #

    Interesting post.
    Just a question, did you buy the book from his site? or just followed the general tips on his video presentation?

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