How to Build a Family in Your Late 30s/40s
Paid question #1 from a reader
What advice do you have for a man in his late thirties or forties, who put in the effort, and is looking to find a wife and have kids? What should he be concerned about? What might he be missing? And what practical advice does the former President of the Manosphere have?
-Anonymous
Welcome back to The Dream Lounge my fellow apex alpha males.
I just announced my pay-to-dream thingy on Friday. Had my first order come in later that same day, which is cool. I’m used to most of the internet hating my guts and grabbing pitch forks on a regular basis. It’s nice to see that some people love and value my writing.
This Dreamer chose to remain anonymous other than identifying as a “proud alumni of The 21 Convention”. I know this guy pretty well of course, since he did in fact attend my events a bunch of times. 21C alumni also tend to be the top 1% of the 1% of the old guard manosphere. The reason for that is simple: it takes serious effort to fly across the world to a real life event that lasts almost a week. These events were not “live streams” and required in person attendance.
His question is a big one. You could easily write a book on this subject set, and I’m sure many men have from various philosophic and religious backgrounds.
Marriage to be sure is very old, and breeding women with baby batter has been going on since the dawn of our species. So what this fine young alpha male wants to do is both ancient and noble, yet, times have changed. The context has fundamentally changed.
Young men today are facing circumstances specific to dating, marriage, and the entire domain of male/female relationships (social, cultural, legal, political, professional) that have never ever existed before in the entire span of human civilization.
Feminism has impacted and changed everything over the past ~170 years, and that change has not stopped. In fact the pace has accelerated. Those radical changes - like women voting, legalized infanticide (abortion), slut pills (hormonal birth control), no-fault divorce, the criminalization of marital rape, etc - have also happened in a wider set of massive, fundamental, interrelated changes.
Global population has exploded over the past 100 years for example. From 2 billion to now over 8 billion. Unwed/single motherhood has similarly exploded in the United States. Diseases of civilization like obesity and diabetes have also skyrocketed. Over 56% of young American women have tattoos now. Flight, atomic energy, space flight, computing, the internet, instant global communication for anyone…
I could go on. The point is what you are currently living through, and what just happened in your country in the few decades before your own birth, represent an astounding degree of social/legal/political/technological change. The intensity, speed, complexity, and compound nature of these changes cannot be overstated. None of your ancestors had to deal with all this while trying to build a family. Things moved slow.
They did have a lot of other serious stuff to deal with. Like war and famine, real epidemics, poverty, tyranny. Life was brutally hard and there was no toilet paper, Netflix, or electricity.
Yet when they met a potential wife, they didn’t have to ask themselves: does she have a dick? There were no chicks with dicks for fraudulent dating coaches to shag then. Today there are chicks with dicks requiring evasive maneuvers.
All the same, what you want is what most young men have ever wanted more or less: to build a family with a beautiful wife. What you want is ancient, objectively good, pro-social, and reasonable. The time and context you live in however is definitively not ancient. You live in a time of unreason.
For the first time in human history you live in a full blown, gynocentric matriarchy.
I say all this for a blunt reality check that every young man needs. If you want to build a family, then what you want is to exert your masculinity upon the world. You want to build a micro-patriarchy with yourself as king, by finding a woman, spreading your seed, and pumping her full of kids.
The basic problem is: the entire context you live in is aggressively anti-masculine and anti-patriarchy. This has impacted and influenced the entire course of your life, and it will impact the entire process of family formation from day one until the day you die. This is true in both a macro and micro way. A generalized way and a highly targeted way that you will personally encounter and experience.
Picking Mamma Bear for 50 Years
For example, you should do an amazing job picking mamma bear, your baby mamma to be. She has to be an excellent wife for you (hot, submissive, stomach full, balls empty, etc), an excellent mother for your children, and an excellent grandmother for your grandchildren. If she lives long enough to be a present and active great-grandmother then congratulations, you went undefeated in the regular season and then won the playoffs as well.
You have to think that far ahead. Your evaluation has to be as accurate as possible too. As objective as possible. Any random hoe can promise you the moon. Her actions are what matter, now and into the future. You have to accurately predict her future actions to the best of your ability. Your life, your happiness, and your own children are counting on you.
Whatever woman you pump full of baby batter, whether you live or die, stay married or divorce, your kids are going to be permanently stuck with her as mom for probably 50 years.
Forget birth to 18 where you could personally be on the hook for child support she blows on cocaine and Sunday Funday mimosas. She is going to be mom to your kids forever. Even if you die, she is still mom, and they have to deal with that fact until the day they die. Even after her own death she is still mom to them in memories and history.
This is by far the most compelling moral argument against being a manwhore. Every time you nut in a chick you are gambling with half a century or more of someone’s life, who is completely innocent and has no say in the matter.
10 seconds of fun for you could be 50 years of dealing with a miserable bitch for someone else.
The Time Crunch
In your late 30s/early 40s you are rapidly running out of time to ideally pick a great mamma bear. The manosphere has told and sold men for many years now that their window to start a family is very wide, and women inversely have a short biological window.
This is mostly true, but it conveniently ignores that your window is also still limited. It would be more accurate to say men have a wider ideal breeding window that is still not that wide.
You do not want to be having your first kid at 50. You can, but it should be strongly avoided.
My daughter being born was a 51 hour process start to finish. I didn’t really sleep for 2 full days. I was a one man army arguing and fighting with a lot of people to make sure everything went right. That was hard even in my mid 30s. I would be much harder at 50.
Similarly chasing a 2 year old around all day is hard. They are little monkeys with unlimited energy. The younger, healthier, and more energetic you are to deal with the full brunt of this the better. This is your kid, not your nephew, niece, or grandkid. You are front and center to their life and development.
Being an uncle is like fatherhood on super easy mode. All the fun with little to no responsibility. It’s a great start and was a major kick in the ass for me, holding my nephews, but it’s not the same thing.
With all this in mind a man in his late 30s needs to haul ass and make family formation a top priority. Like Terminator level search and destroy priority.
My mission is to locate target baby mamma.
Knock her up.
Wife her up.
Preferably not in that order.
Younger, Hotter, Thinner Women
Contemporary normie culture is going to push (and shame) you to date “women your own age”. This is beta male propaganda designed to dump some used up single mom slut on your lap with her bastard children and 99 problems.
Even in your late 30s you should not even be talking to women a day over 29. They are ghosts to you and don’t exist, unless you are going to pump and dump them. Do not even consider single moms.
My own grandfather was 25 when he married and impregnated my then16 year old grandma. They were married almost half a century until he died. She loved him and prayed for him until the day she died at 91 years old.
By today’s standards normies would call him a “pedo”. The scientific reason for this is that most people are retards today with their head perpetually stuck up their ass, getting high on their own fart supply.
Allow me to drill this into your skull: this is your one chance to live on this earth, and you deserve younger, hotter, thinner women. You too deserve a hot young thin female with big milkers, and zero tattoos.
Do not allow anyone to sway you from your mission.
Most men are way better looking than they realize. It took me a long, long time to appreciate just how many women consider me to be a smoking hot hairy stud muffin. Women do not evaluate appearances the same way men do of women, but it’s still important to them. No woman looks at a man and is like “wow I can’t wait to have ugly kids with this dude”.
You have stronger confidence and better game than you realize. Your courage and balls are as big as you want them to be. You have direct, immediate, volitional control over this in particular.
This is all critical to understand because women are primarily concerned with your actions. They are constantly analyzing everything you do say and do to an insane, Robocop level degree. They are watching you and they want to know if you are an alpha male from the surface down to the core.
They want to know, in perpetuity, that you are an alpha male. That you have the will to dominate them and some slice of the world. A “good woman” wants you to dominate your wife and dominate life.
If you cannot dominate your wife then you cannot dominate life. This makes them sad, anxious, and mad. Much the same way if your wife gained 150 pounds you would be very sad and upset about this development. Like wow wtf this sucks.
All the same your wife is someone you should intend to spend many decades with until one of you dies. Due to this long range intent you need to start off on the right foot by dominating the youngest, hottest, thinnest woman you can realistically enslave knock up and wife up.
Normie culture will tell you this is shallow. Well again these people are NPC zombies and crabs in a bucket without a clue. Her genetic fitness and fresh young eggs directly determine the health and genetic fitness of your own kids.
There are good, legitimate reasons men prefer hot, young, thin, debt-free virgins without tattoos and NOT fat ugly women covered in skin graffiti. Tattoos on women are a form of self-harm and self-destruction, signifying mental diseases and self-hatred to the point of permanent physical damage.
You need the hottest wife possible both for the sake of your kids and your own. In plain terms if you are going to bang one chick the rest of your life she better be fucking hot, as young, hot, and thin as possible.
Fat women make fat kids.
Old women have dusty eggs.
Ugly women make ugly babies.
Tattooed women are psycho-sluts.
I know this is hyper-blunt but rarely does anyone have the balls to speak plainly about such things today. This is common sense, mission critical stuff for building a family. Yet it is mostly forbidden knowledge. You’re supposed to pretend none of this matters, when it very much does matter.
A Ride or Die Bitch Who OBEYS
I kind of despise when men or women call their spouse a “partner”. Spouse is bad enough but necessary at times. Partner though? Pure barf, borderline gay. What the fuck is this a team building Zoom meeting?
No she’s not your partner she’s your fucking wife bro. Your property. Your ride or die bitch who would do anything for you, from sandwich making to actually making a human being from scratch and putting her life at risk.
A proper wife is not a partner, friend, or teammate. Not an equal teammate anyway. Your family is your patriarchy, your kingdom. You are the king. She is the queen. You call the shots and give orders. She observes, executes, advises, and otherwise obeys. ESPECIALLY when she disagrees with something.
Your kingdom is not a democracy. It is an absolute monarchy. All executive power resides in you and you alone, unless and until you are dead/incapacitated, or otherwise delegate specific powers under specific conditions.
It is not so different from the military. Soldiers have to follow lawful orders. Not sometimes. Not maybe. Not probably. Not when they feel like it. Have to. Disobedience can result in severe consequences up to and including execution in rare cases.
Since I’m not a barbaric Mooslim sand monkey I won’t be advocating anyone execute their wife for disobedience. However all the same, your wife and marriage should operate with this degree of seriousness for a hierarchy of authority.
All responsibility must be tied to authority. At all times and in all ways.
Modern society has completely divorced these two issues. Which is profoundly obnoxious and horrifically toxic for families. It makes slaves of men and cunts of women, all of which rots over time.
This is why 9 out of 10 dads I meet are very obviously run by their wives. It is super obvious, right out in the open, and unavoidably unhealthy. These are failed marriages in progress. Zombie marriages basically. It’s dead but still sort of limping along for now until limbs start falling off.
Specifically all of the responsibility is dumped on the husband, and all of the authority is confiscated by the wife. She ends up a tyrant with no connection to the consequences of her choices, all of which are dumped on the slave. Likewise he bears the brunt of all problems and lacks capacity to facilitate change and leadership, to do anything other than be a slave.
This is also true for servant leadership which is a more complex way of doing the same nonsense, of groveling at the feet of matriarchy. Lipstick on a pig.
It’s a huge fucking mess on a micro and macro level. This dynamic is extremely common and killing our entire civilization faster than anything else by a mile.
You have to do the opposite and lead your family with an iron, benevolent fist.
Any woman not on board with that from day one, walk away. Don’t even waste one minute of your time. Walk. In your late 30s/early 40s you have limited time left and not one minute should be spent cleaning up that degree of nonsense.
Oh well I’m gonna explain it to her.
Nope. Shut the fuck up. Walk away. NEXT.
This attitude by the way, no matter how rational, healthy, and life affirming, will make you public enemy #1. In your extended family, her extended family, court rooms, hospitals, doctors offices, even your own neighborhood.
The patriarchy is supposed to be fucking dead. Smashed to a thousand pieces, incinerated, scattered to the winds. Any genuine inkling of it’s return puts normies and NPCs on a shocking red alert. It’s like triggering an immune response and you are the virus.
You are fundamentally not allowed to control women today. To control your wife. To set boundaries and limits. To expose her to any amount of authentic, no-apology leadership and command. This is even illegal in many countries.
I’m serious. The United Kingdom passed the “Domestic Abuse Act of 2021” which criminalized what they call “economic abuse”. They don’t want you controlling your wife at all ever, under any circumstances.
Being a patriarch apex alpha male ain’t easy but it is necessary folks.
Which reminds me that 98% of internet alpha males who are married, are also run by their wives. AJ Cortes is a good example.
Certain New Jersey mamma’s boy dating coaches are better but by less than you would think. This is why they frequently soften how they talk about their marriages, especially when the word “patriarchy” comes up. They have to hedge against it hard and fast.
All the podcast circuit bros are even worse. It’s just one cucked shit show after another.
Close to zero of them actually live in a patriarchal marriage. They are basically just mamma’s boys run by their new mommy wife. These are normie feminist relationships masquerading on the internet as some new age woo woo energy bullshit relationship where he leads but everything is equal and not equal at the same time. It’s all evasive and circular nonsense concealing the truth: that they are slaves.
Virtually none of these e-guru alpha males actually call the shots. They are just more servants of the matriarchy, as cucked as the local dad down your street. The internet just facilitates lip stick being slapped on the pig better.
Do not be one of these guys. And there are many on Substack like this. Goofy beta male dating coaches and “relationship advice” givers.
Gay.
Gay.
Double gay.
Be the alpha male you were born to be. Make your ancestors proud.
Polarize and Repel
You need to think of finding a mamma bear the same way a good pickup artist thinks of banging degenerate sluts on a night out: hunt, kill, and drag your own food home.
You’re looking for a woman to conquer and dominate. Total surrender, zero negotiation. She is Japan, you are America, and it’s 1945. You are about to acquire ownership of all her eggs, her soul, and her entire future. Fucking act like it.
You do not negotiate with women any sooner than you negotiate with terrorists.
Everything I’ve described so far by the way is extremely polarizing. That’s intentional. To attract you must learn to repel nonsense.
Our country does not have an abundance of marriageable women. To the contrary there is a serious lack of “good women”.
All women with nose rings are unfit for marriage.
All women with tattoos (over 56% now) are not fit for marriage.
All fat women are not fit for marriage (~70%).
All sluts and skankaroos are not fit for marriage.
Ugly women I suppose, generally belong with ugly men. They are at parity then, so I won’t scorn them anywhere near as harshly.
But all these other chicks who ruined their lives? Fuck em. Not your fault, not your problem, let them have cats and drink wine.
Even on a demographic basis then the number of women you could realistically screen for marriage (ages 21-29 let’s say) is pretty small.
You’re going to have more preferences as well of course, and that’s great.
You need to do all the things feminist culture tells women to do (which is terrible for them). Make a big list of what you want. Be an entitled, picky asshole, within reason.
Do you want big wife boobs in your face to motorboat? Okay great, top of the list.
Hot, young, thin? Definitely.
White chocolate, milk chocolate, dark chocolate, asian chocolate? Make your pick.
Protestant/Roman Catholic/Orthodox Catholic? Choose wisely.
Zero tattoos and zero weird piercings should be a given.
That’s how I was. Even a little butterfly tattoo, instant fuck and chuck category. Adios bitch, no relationship for you, back of the fucking line.
Think of it this way: if she’s willing to destroy her body, she will destroy your marriage.
To be an entitled picky asshole, list out your top 20 criteria. Then compress that list to the top ~7 that are absolutely mission critical. The rest become optional bonus points.
You are not perfect, and no woman is either. In your late 30s or older you are also on a tight timeline with little room for error or doing the speed limit.
The goal is for her to be as perfect as possible for you and what you want. This is your kingdom of patriarchy to build. The queen is front and center. Choose wisely.
You Also Marry the Family
Much of the manosphere has focused too much on the woman, and not enough on her family. Checking her relationship with mom and dad (and scoping out their marriage itself) is a great start, but it’s just the start.
In my own case I knew that my own family of origin was an epic trailer trash disaster. I had basically zero family to bring to the table for my future kids. Nothing.
With my wife, her family of origin gave me some pause. I wanted the best possible. My conclusion in the end on this issue was simply: her family is exponentially better and higher functioning than my own, so that will have to do.
I felt bad bringing nothing to the table in this area. There was nothing I could do though.
In conclusion you want to push as far as you can in this area - do not neglect this factor, it is very important - but anything at parity or better than your own should suffice. That depends on your own family of origin for the at parity bit (that did not apply in my own circumstances).
Dating to Date is for Retards
The first time I heard the phrase “dating to date” was the late 2010s. I almost threw up in my mouth a little.
Dating is for marriage. Period.
Most people don’t know this but I’ve only had 2 girlfriends in my life. My ex-wife and current wife. That’s literally it.
I did fuck and chuck several bus loads of beautiful young women. This was fun, difficult, and dangerous. I’m lucky to be alive, disease free, child-support free, and false-accusation free.
What I zealously guarded with extreme intensity was my commitment. And you should too.
This is what matters for men. Emotional entanglement, focus, and loyalty.
For further reading on this subject set grab a copy of Dr. Shawn Smith’s Gatekeeper: The Tactical Guide to Commitment.
For Low Mileage, Check the Hands
Women are like cars son. If money is no object, you want one right off the lot brand fucking new. Zero miles, shiny paint, all the upgrades, full warranty.
In your late 30s or early 40s it will be close to impossible to find a virgin. That barely exists today in the first place. These girls are out here riding dicks in high school, even getting knocked up in middle school.
This is why I had to give a full speech titled Make Women Virgins Again.
All the same you want as low mileage as possible. Maybe the dealership had to drive it up the road a few times to put gas in it, a few test drives in the area, etc. The lower the better.
Critically you want to avoid any woman who is permanently, emotionally scarred by some other alpha. She’s in sloppy seconds mode, avoid, walk.
Double digit body count? Instant walk.
More importantly though, you are not god. You do not have a crystal ball. You cannot see the true history of her life. No one can in fact but her. So asking is not entirely useless, but can easily generate false positives.
Women are motivated to lie and roll that odometer back.
Now on that note, police and self-defense gurus train something called tactical awareness. One of the most important pieces of that puzzle is getting in the habit of checking people’s hands.
Always, always, always check the hands. Where are their hands, what are the hands doing, and what’s in them?
The same process applies to women. It’s the ultimate, most reliable body count test that no woman on earth, with their tiny little female brains, is clever enough and fast enough to fake.
You have to check how she handles your dick.
Ideally she is awkward, clumsy, and trying hard to impress you. You want her to be as goofy and unsure as possible. If she’s a pro, she’s a slut. She’s handled way too many big beef hot dogs. Game over folks.
Any significant degree of confidence and smoothness here is a red flag in the body count department.
You want her to be a goofy, shy nerd basically. Like a new car that needs to be broken in.
You can and should put her through your custom build a bitch workshop. Train her up etc. If she loves you, she’ll be a fast learner and respond well to direction.
Compatibility
A lot of normie advice focuses on “commonalities” and “communication”. This is mostly horse shit. Usually the best communication you can do is shoving your dick in her mouth. Actions speak louder than words folks.
Subsequent to this is the old debate of opposites attracting vs likeness attracting. Both are true and both are important.
Your baby mamma to be is not a dude. She should be feminine, not masculine. Likewise you should be 100% masculine and 0% feminine. There’s your opposites attracting.
At the same time you should be compatible and have fundamental commonalties. My wife is not manly at all, but she runs at a similar speed and intensity to me. In daily life. She pisses off millions of people on the internet, all on her own. We are both introverts, she even more than myself.
I love the beaches in Florida, she hates them. Not everything needs to line up perfectly. But where it matters, we are similar and compatible, with shared values and vision.
Hope this helps.
/s/ Anthony Dream Johnson
P.S.
If you enjoyed this post and want me to answer your question or topic prompt, you can reply to this e-mail or learn more here. The current cost is $100.
